When I look back now- I can’t believe that was our last conversation… but I absolutely love it.

I was just so happy to see her reply. I knew she was going through the ringer mentally and physically.. I didn’t want to bog her down and be another person asking, “How are you doing?? I’m so sorry that x, y, z, whatever it may be is happening…”

Talking about something light hearted and asking her to indulge me in one of her passions just felt right. And I’m so grateful I decided to be a brat that day to Colleen.

I came to find out that the night before she passed away after our texts, she sweetly asked Auntie Chris exactly when my birthday was again.

Even on her last day on Earth Colleen was thinking of others- she was thinking of me.

Since she’s been gone I’ve never hated or loved life more. Hated because life feels completely senseless now. Loved because I’ve never felt so shaken to just LIVE. The trip is short. Enjoy the ride. If I couldn’t do that before, I’ll do it now for her.

The two coolest moments of my life were skydiving and watching a live donor kidney transplant during pharmacy school rotation. Both inspired by Colleen. This woman knew what she was talking about when it comes to living.

Colleen didn’t see a transplant herself, but she did ask for a picture of her second transplanted heart so that’s kinda even more badass…

Definitely couldn’t have not fainted throughout watching the kidney transplant without constantly pleading to Colleen to help me NOT be a weenie. Just for one day… a few hours…

A thought occurred to me once I was gowned up in the O.R. “Even if you do pass out… and cause a scene… and make a complete fool out of yourself… and your preceptor, the transplant will still go on and you’ll just miss out on seeing it… so really it’s all yours to lose if you fuck this up.”

Something about the bluntness and total logic of that thought seems like it was too good to be my own. Maybe it was hers. It sounds like her…

I know we all can agree Colleen was a warrior. From having the opportunity to do a transplant rotation, I feel qualified to tell you that these transplant meds and their side effects are NO JOKE. It’s not just- get a transplant and everyone congratulates you suggesting that you’ve been handed a perfect, shiny new life again. Every single day post transplant is radically different and comes with new challenges.

Let’s take a second for some daily gratitude. If you have an immune system that you don’t have to suppress day in and day out with meds, please be grateful. I bet that most of us haven’t thought twice about mounting robust immune responses, but since age 3 Colleen never had the opportunity to take this for granted…

For her last Christmas she was hospitalized with the flu. I mean a PRIME situation for complaining, but you already know Colleen didn’t budge her smile or that infectious huge laugh. Nope. Instead, we masked up and stormed Northwestern with loads of presents, my mom’s famous desserts and my apparently shitty dessert that no one liked (still love you Colleen), and ordered some Chicago deep dish.

That was the last time I saw her in person, and usually people don’t want to keep memories of their loved ones in hospitals because it doesn’t represent them at their best or happiest… but Colleen is- surprise- an exception. Every single memory of her is that laugh I’ll never shake and that witty, sarcastic charm I’ve always adored.